Shoulda, woulda, coulda

The year 2022 began with me officially house hunting, I was looking for a modest apartment in the inner city, happy to sacrifice space for a central location. I spent a good part of 6 months on a frantic mission, every weekend inspecting 5 or more apartments in different areas of Brisbane.

This was then followed by putting in offers and Real Estate agents ruthlessly calling me at 8pm on a Saturday night trying to convince me the next offer is only slightly above mine and to offer more. It was a stressful time of my life, to say the least, and something in my gut was telling me to stop. I had massive anxiety attacks when my offer was accepted and suddenly everything in my being was telling me to pull the plug.

I was buying an inner city apartment, not on my own will but because it is what I thought I should do.

You see I have always loved the idea of freedom and flexibility, renting my whole life I have never really seen a problem with it, that is until I turned 35 and started comparing myself to others. Buying bricks and mortar was a big decision, and it was also one that scared the absolute wits out of me, I know I need to work on the idea that bricks and mortar won’t make me stuck in one place, but in that moment that fear kept arising. I am a traveler and enjoy exploring, I like changing houses and suburbs every couple of years, this is easy when you’re renting — not so easy when you commit and buy. Change is really important for me and buying a house made me feel like that change wouldn’t be possible for quite some time.

With covid becoming less prominent, I discovered I could get out and travel again. I had planned a trip to America for late 2020, which obviously didn’t happen so I was definitely ready for another adventure. Some may say this is irresponsible of me, but I say I’d much prefer to be irresponsible and live my life in alignment than settle for a life path that quite honestly, made me feel a bit miserable. So I have booked a trip, and more on that soon. I hope to document my journey to a more simplistic life focused on experiences rather than material things and confirming to the shoulds.

I have been regularly seeing a therapist this year, she has helped me immensely. I was on a blind mission, doing what I thought I should do… the first advice she gave me was “Throw out the word should, my dear”. Should is based on societies expectations, it’s not based on listening to your spirit or following the karmic path that is laid out for you.

I immediately got to work catching myself every time I said I should do something. I started asking myself why should I? Am I doing this thing because it makes me happy and fulfilled or is it because I’m comparing myself and doing it so I seem a certain way in others’ eyes? I also asked myself “on my death bed will I be happy I did this, or will that thing that is calling my soul make me feel like I really LIVED?”

So I will continue catching my shoulds and I believe by regularly checking in with this language I can get to a place of reading my intuition and following the path that feels the most aligned to how I wish to live my life.

I hope by sharing my stories I can help even one person battling with the same dilemmas. I will share nuggets of advice from my wonderful therapist and share my up-and-coming adventure which begins in mid-June. Please leave a comment if this resonates with you or you too have any nuggets of advice.